Unfinished business

I’ve never been one to leave a job half done (or two thirds of the way done, in this case), so I’m going to finish off my goodwill bonanza that I started… jesus, damn near a year ago, by this point.

Zaxxon never made any damn sense to me. It was, by all indications, a piss poor arcade game that received a piss-poor port to NES infamy, only to be followed up by a board game? That would capture all the excitement of a mediocre but inexplicably beloved arcade “classic” in a cardboard box, for the whole family to enjoy? All that being said, I have to say I wish I’d bought this. If for no other reason than to pull out and laugh at when I’m feeling blue. Also, the world record holder is from Hawai’i?

Okay so again, filed in the general category of “shit I can’t remember why I didn’t buy,” there’s the requisite Laser Tag set. I see a fair amount of these, and if I’d had my druthers and my wherewithal and several other words that don’t really mean anything, then I would have been buying these things steady on for the past couple years and me and my stupid friends could have buttloads of urban laser tag tournaments around the streets and stinky alleys of midtown but alas, I’m resigned to writing about it here. Ah, it’s delightfully bittersweet.

I mean imagine holding that kind of blasting power in your hand…

Ah, well.

This can’t be safe. I mean I’m no fitness trainer (although I did go to the gym the other day – there were a bunch of heavy people picking things up and running around, and I used a hip abductor) but recycling your own sweat back into your body is only cool if you’re the freaking Muad’Dib and I don’t think Paul Atreides shops at the Goodwill store in Southaven. Just a guess. And while I’ll agree that “Perspiration takes your workout to the next level,” (the next level being, you know, mild physical exertion) if you need to wear a tinfoil suit and bake your torso like some Orville Redenbacher Insty-Pop, then you might want to find a different way to get in shape.

I like crossword puzzles. Sometimes the newspaper ones are so easy that it makes you think that most people are sub-literate morons, and then sometimes the ones you find in books like this are so brain-rapingly hard that you start you think that english might not actually be your first language after all. Either way, it beats Sudoku.

If you’ve never made bread, just from the basic scratch ingredients, I have to recommend it, just as a basic life experience. There’s nothing like the feeling of taking eggs and flour and water and salt and yeast and all that crap and then like an hour or two later – bam. Bread. It’s kind of a pain – Wonder Bread exists for a reason, I promise – but once you’ve done it a few times and you sort of get comfortable with the basic process, you feel somehow more like a complete human being, if that doesn’t sound too ridiculous. And then you see a book like this and you realize that there are a hundred thousand variations on your basic loaf of bread and you could spend the rest of your natural life just trying to understand how to craft the perfect loaf and then you just give up and go back to buying it from the store like everyone else.

This is a picture of a barrel full of poles. I took it for a reason. What that reason is, or rather was, is lost to history. But now you’ve seen them too.

No, this is not an alien, nor is it an elderly sideshow freak. this is supposed to be a representation of the buddha, or some sort of sage or another. I know it looks like a test tube baby, but there are some decent reasons why any culture would deign to depict their religious leaders in such a semi-ridiculous fashion. Don’t expect me to justify the basically spurious nature of organized religion in a brief paragraph or anything, just take my word for it, this is supposed to be… jesus, I don’t know, a good luck charm? A magic trinket that helps you win the lottery? I don’t know, no one has ever lived on this planet that looked like this damn statue but I still sort of wanted to buy it. The elongated ears and forehead are supposed to represent wisdom, which is why the buddha is usually depicted with those attributes, although much less cartoonishly than this statue. The fat guy, though? The fat laughing guy with the belly you touch for good luck? Whole different dude. I like that guy. If i met that guy on the road, I probably wouldn’t kill him.

I guess I was on kind of an Asian kick or something because these little vases really appealed to me. I don’t know… I’ll own up, it’s next to impossible to parse out exactly what I was thinking a year ago when I looked at all these things and took these pictures. I felt like I had to write this all out because I didn’t want to have any “lost entries,” and plus it’s fun to go back and look at something that basically happened a hundred lifetimes ago (that’s how much shit has changed in the close-to-a-year that’s passed since then and now) but the truth of it is I don’t remember a damn thing from that day and I’m not the same person I was then so I really don’t know why I have a picture of these two vases. I found it amusing then and I find it amusing now, but I assure you that’s for two very very different reasons.

These little Bialetti stovetop coffee makers are amazing. According to their website, they’re “the world’s most recognized and cherished coffeemaker.” Now I don’t really know how you’d measure either one of those things (especially the cherished part) but I will say this much… the next tattoo I get?

L’Omino motherfukaaaaa!!!!!!!!

Uh what was this oh right two parts of a kind of cheapo mandolin slicer that was advertised on tv 20 years ago, not that remarkable except for the fact that these two guys:

Who advertised the thing, were the inspiration for the funniest Mr. Show sketch ever: THE SUPER PAN.

It bribles.

Here are some absurdly beautiful cups. And here are a bunch of shirts that I either bought or did not buy, depending.


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One Response to Unfinished business

  1. C. Murder says:

    Don’t taunt Fukurokuju or he’ll set his pet pelican on you.

    See? It even has blood on its forehead from the last poor summbitch that wanted to tangle.

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